Please, For The Love Of God, Make Lizzo The Next Bachelorette

Since the current star of “The Bachelorette” will likely be riding into the sunset with a suitor who had a girlfriend directly before joining the show, here’s a compelling counterpoint to reality TV fairytale fatigue: Lizzo.

The chart-topping, flute-playing, “Tiny Desk”-slaying artist has thrown her name into the mix to become the next Bachelorette, should ABC decide to hire outside of the franchise ― hey, it’s happened before, OK? 

While the “Truth Hurts” singer admits she’s not exactly a fan of the show, she’s ready and willing to dole out some roses and kiss a couple of toads, with a few clear stipulations. 

“You know what, bitch? I would love to be the Bachelorette,” she told Cosmopolitan in an interview published last week. “If I was the Bachelorette, it would just be the coolest season ever. The men would have to be naked and they would have to wear little thong briefs and they would have to feed me grapes.”

Lizzo arrives at the 2019 BET Awards. 

“It would be mandatory to get my pussy eaten at least once on the whole season, and it would have to be filmed,” she continued, adding that the network could blur out any objectionable content. 

She added: “I would want the people to know. The kids gotta learn someday.”

And it sounds like Lizzo could certainly teach them a thing or two about love, encouraging single people to first “have a relationship with yourself” before launching into a romance. 

“I know that that sounds silly. But I mean, really take yourself out to dinner, take yourself on dates, masturbate, fuck yourself, you know what I’m saying?” she told the outlet.

“Cozy up with yourself and watch your favorite TV show,” the singer added. “Talk to yourself out loud. Put on outfits and compliment yourself. Be the partner to yourself that you want.”

And should ABC decline her offer, we have a feeling Lizzo will be just fine.

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